You work out of a Hotel?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
