I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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