My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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