eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
