If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
