i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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