oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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