Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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