Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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