i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
