Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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