i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
When are your genitals available?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
