Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's always time for handjobs
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i black out too much to be "responsible"
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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