Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
