A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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