"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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