Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
