I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
