I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
