all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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