last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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