just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I didn't notice because vodka
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
