Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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