My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
