whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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