I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
