whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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