Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
