i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
