i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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