i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Sponge bath it is.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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