I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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