dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
