I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
