insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
