I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
