When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
