Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
