all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize