Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
