So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
