My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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