I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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