her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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