New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
