Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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