If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
