Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize