saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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