i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
