He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
