ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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