Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
