So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
