Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
