It's like God shit irony all over that family
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
