i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
