he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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